The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Joke of the Day
19:53 May 31 2014
Times Read: 435

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said Holy Shit! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Joke of the Day
12:44 May 30 2014
Times Read: 449

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

Joke of the Day
08:48 May 29 2014
Times Read: 451

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed What the hell did you do that for? Tarzan replied, Always check for squirrels.

Another Joke For the Day
02:53 May 29 2014
Times Read: 466

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.

Dear, the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, Im so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!

Joke of the Day
00:20 May 29 2014
Times Read: 475




An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldnt mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old womans cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet youre sorry you had me neutered!"

Joke of the Day
04:50 May 28 2014
Times Read: 489

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "Whats this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

Joke of the Day
11:24 May 27 2014
Times Read: 504

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - whats his secret? Hes as ugly as sin and Im everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - Whats going on? Well, Said the Barman, I dont know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...

Joke of the Day
10:32 May 19 2014
Times Read: 515

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow Id be a little bull. The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant. The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?! The kid smiles and says, I would be a bus driver!

Joke of the Day
01:52 May 18 2014
Times Read: 525




A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"